So tonight I realized that there is a huge difference between being optimistic and being happy. You don’t have to be happy to be optimistic. I am an optimist. I wrote a huge long list of why I was several months ago and never posted it one day when I was mad at circumstances. I wasn’t really happy then, but I was still optimistic. Right now I am not happy most of the time. I’m not saying this to gain any type of sympathy or “Don’t worry be happy” remarks. I know I should be happy. I know I have good things in my life to make me happy, I AM an optimist. Unfortunately, none of that changes that fact that I am not happy most of the time. There really are no good reasons for my unhappiness except that I am VERY lonely here in Anchorage. I do have friends to talk to and the perfect boyfriend and while those are wonderful things, I am still very much alone here. I’ve written about this topic all too much in the past months, and I apologies for that, but it’s hard for me to think of other things to write about. With all this said though I am still optimistic about almost all aspects of my life. I don’t think I’m a terrible person who can’t make friends because I’m alone. I just am very busy and have not really found people I feel comfortable with here. I am excited for where the classes I’m working though now are going to lead me, and most of all, I can’t wait for where my personal life is going to head in the next couple years. It’s actually amazing to me that I’m not trying to force any of that, yet I sit here still unhappy. Tomorrow might be a better day… today I did not have human contact with anyone I knew. Tomorrow I will work my first 12.5 hour night shift. That could be adding to my unhappiness. I am not upset about working – making money is honestly the thing I stress the most about-but it’s about making it through the shift without feeling like I’m going to die, or worse not giving a person the care they deserve because I’m tired. I am however glad that I am going to experience these shifts now and that medical school/residency will not be the first time I have to work these hours. See once again I am optimistic while still not being happy with the current situation. I am aware that life will be ok. That I will be happy soon, and that my happiness should only really depend on myself and what I am accomplishing in life. While that sounds great on paper, and a very mature concept it really is crap. Of course people’s happiness is affected by others. Both in good and bad ways, and sometimes it’s even a huge double edged sword. Having Rob in my life is the best thing that has happened to me. I know I sound corny but it is. Thinking about him makes me happier than I have ever been. But, would I feel this lonely here if he wasn’t? No, so there is the double edge. Is it worth the loneliness?  1000% but it does go to prove that you can’t get through life without needing other people and having your happiness be effected by others. And you shouldn’t want to. Everyone has always told me that you need to be happy by yourself first before you can be happy with someone else. I completely agree with that. I was very happy by myself, and now I’m happier with someone else.  Unfortunately, it’s not always easy. I can deal with hard though. I am optimistic for everything that our relationship is going to bring to my life and is bringing now.  

Not really sure where this entry was supposed to go, but I think I’ll end it now. Till next time…

So I'm pretty positive that I have made the decision to take an extra year to finish my classes and apply for medical school. It was not an easy decision to make but it is something I have been contemplating for a while. I had originally planned to go to school in 2011, but had discovered that it might be possible to complete the classes in 1 year plus a summer and take my MCAT's that summer and apply for acceptance for the 2010 year. After talking to several people, who either teach the classes, are in medical school now, or are the pre-med advisor for UAA I have come to the conclusion that taking the extra year will be infinitely better. It will give me the ability to take organic chemistry during the semester and not during the 5 week crammed summer course. In addition I will be able to really spend time doing nothing but studying for the MCAT's before I take them. I will also be able to get my applications into schools by July, thus giving myself the best chance of getting into the ones I want. And lastly I will have a year off to just work after everything is completed and save some money for applications/interviews and to help offset some expenses while I'm in medical school. It might also be nice to have a year off from classes before starting med school too.

All in all it just looks like the good outweighs the bad. Any extra advice would be appreciated. Till next time...

And they say Chocolate is not good for you...

Well today while eating a peice of my slightly less unhealthy dark chocolate the message "Make someday today" was inside my wrapper.

I have been kinda down since school started. I have been overwhelmed with classes and work and figuring out how I'm supposed to balance 12 credits of hard classes with working enough to live. (This includes rent, car insurance, car loans, tuition, credit card bills which are constantly maxed out, not to mention food and normal daily activities). It's a constant struggle, and add to all that, I am alone. I know I'm not alone in every sense, I have people who love me in my life who I love very much, but physically I am alone. I have made a couple of friends since I've moved here, but I don't really know them well enough to call them full out friends, and there is only one or two people I have actually hung out with outside of classroom activities. They arn't hugging friends and sometimes thats all you need to relax. Sometimes I feel like right now I'm in this limbo part of my life, where there is sooooo much going on, and so many good things happening, but the really good stuff just seems far away right now, and there is nothing I can do about it.

Part of me was getting frustrated already, and the word someday was coming up all the time in my thoughts. But, I can't think of it that way. I am doing everything I can to work towards someday right now, but I have to live in today. So money is tight... I've been making it work, and will continue to. If I really get stuck I have people who I can get help from. Classes are frustrating yes, but I'm doing ok. I have A's in my classes so far and I am working hard. I can't be with Rob everyday, and while I would absolutly love for that to be possible, I can talk to him on the phone and anticipate the next time I can see him in November, which is before christmas so I'm thankful for that.

Yes, there are still thoughts of someday running through my head often and I am so excited about the future, but it's good to get perspective sometimes and realize there is good in today. Expecially when it comes with chocolate  Till next time...